Oh No, Not Again *Cue alien popping out of chest and doing the Charelston*

[kriadydragon]

I've come to realize, and to accept the fact, that there comes (and then goes) a time in which I become discouraged when it comes to my writing. A temporary period in which my faith in my abilities is at a low, sometimes taking my motivation to write anything with it.

Thing is, it's been pretty bad, lately. And lingering. Tenaciously. This discouragement includes, once again, me putting too much stock in my fanfic stories as a gauge to measure how far I've come along in my writing skills. And that... is a really bad idea. Fanfiction is too much of a wild card to use it as a gauge for anything, because there are too many factors involved when it comes to your audience. Favorite characters, favorite tropes, favorite writing styles, etc. It's why there are stories out there so beautifully written and yet might see four reviews at most, and utter garbage that somehow manages to garner thirty reviews. It's why you'll have hardcore fans of a character read this author's stories, but not your stories despite the fact that you write for that author's favorite. And so on.

I know this, I get it. But knowing is one thing and getting it through my head is another. I recall going through something similar in SGA and how miserable it made me. I got over it when I decided to focus more on my original work, putting my time and energy into the original stuff and continue to dabble in fanfic for fun. And it worked.

Aaaaaannnddd now it's back :P I'm still very much focused on my original work so I'm not sure what the problem is this time. Well, okay, that's not true. I'm starting to suspect that most of my issues are aimed at my fanfic. I feel like I need to work harder on them, take more time with them than just a couple of days. Problem is, I don't want to put a crap load of time and energy into something I just do for fun. That time and energy I want to put into my original fic. It's not that I don't work hard on my fanfic, but it's not something I want to spend a ton of time on - one of the reasons I haven't written novel length fanfic in forever. Fanfic is supposed to be writerly candy for me when I need a break from the more involved stuff. But for some reason, lately, my brain keeps trying to fit fanfic into the "involved stuff" slot.

The odd thing is - and what makes what's happening now different from what I went through in SGA - is that this time it doesn't involve the dreaded "writing for others instead of myself" pit, something I fell into during my SGA days that lead to some heavy discouragement (not just discouragement when it came to writing fanfic, but writing in general), and it took me forever to climb out of.

But I can't say that's what's going on now because I don't even know what it is the general WC audience wants. More whump? Less whump? More fluff? More drama? More Peter (I do kind of feel like more Peter fans have been coming out of the wood work, while Neal fans... seem to be fading into the shadows. Seriously, where have all the Neal fans gone?). Neither is it something I am, or have been, actively worrying about (and I did worry about it in SGA for a time. For example, I would try to tone down the whump as much as I could, because I knew there were a lot of people who didn't like heavy whump). So I'm not really sure what it is trying to be a bad influence on me.

That said, I do feel a lot better having talked about it. It could have been a matter of needing to organize my thoughts and figure some things out, I don't know.

Comments

[neontiger55.livejournal.com]

Your whole first paragraph sums up how I've been feeling for a long time, both in terms of original work and fanfic. It's so hard to get yourself out of that mode, right? And then it sort of just disappears when you least expect it.

Fanfic is a wild card, you're right, but although you have to take it all with a pinch of salt, I still think it can be a measure of ability - even if it's just being able to hit certain tropes in the right way or delivering on a prompt. The team of writers who work on tv shows, like WC, are playing with someone else's characters and settings, and in many ways there are certain things they have to get into their episode that they know the audience will expect (a Mozzie witticism, a Peter-Neal moment, a heist etc). I think there's skill in that, to make it fresh and new while working inside the lines, if that makes sense?

Also, Neal fan here! Writing post 'JD' whump as we speak ;)

[bratfarrar]

*hugs*

Been there, know how crappy it feels. Just remember, you *are* a good writer, and the main thing is that *you* like the stuff you're writing.

[black-raven135.livejournal.com]

"Fanfiction is too much of a wild card to use it as a gauge for anything....."

((((NODS))))
It is why using it to analyze anything else in your life will never work.
Be kinder to yourself.

[frith_in_thorns]

I have to say that for entirely selfish reasons I do hope that you continue to write fic, especially Neal fic, especially Neal h/c fic, because I really love reading them. I've read all of your fics several times over, and I just love your characters and situations.