Oh No, Not Again *Cue alien popping out of chest and doing the Charelston*

[kriadydragon]

I've come to realize, and to accept the fact, that there comes (and then goes) a time in which I become discouraged when it comes to my writing. A temporary period in which my faith in my abilities is at a low, sometimes taking my motivation to write anything with it.

Thing is, it's been pretty bad, lately. And lingering. Tenaciously. This discouragement includes, once again, me putting too much stock in my fanfic stories as a gauge to measure how far I've come along in my writing skills. And that... is a really bad idea. Fanfiction is too much of a wild card to use it as a gauge for anything, because there are too many factors involved when it comes to your audience. Favorite characters, favorite tropes, favorite writing styles, etc. It's why there are stories out there so beautifully written and yet might see four reviews at most, and utter garbage that somehow manages to garner thirty reviews. It's why you'll have hardcore fans of a character read this author's stories, but not your stories despite the fact that you write for that author's favorite. And so on.

I know this, I get it. But knowing is one thing and getting it through my head is another. I recall going through something similar in SGA and how miserable it made me. I got over it when I decided to focus more on my original work, putting my time and energy into the original stuff and continue to dabble in fanfic for fun. And it worked.

Aaaaaannnddd now it's back :P I'm still very much focused on my original work so I'm not sure what the problem is this time. Well, okay, that's not true. I'm starting to suspect that most of my issues are aimed at my fanfic. I feel like I need to work harder on them, take more time with them than just a couple of days. Problem is, I don't want to put a crap load of time and energy into something I just do for fun. That time and energy I want to put into my original fic. It's not that I don't work hard on my fanfic, but it's not something I want to spend a ton of time on - one of the reasons I haven't written novel length fanfic in forever. Fanfic is supposed to be writerly candy for me when I need a break from the more involved stuff. But for some reason, lately, my brain keeps trying to fit fanfic into the "involved stuff" slot.

The odd thing is - and what makes what's happening now different from what I went through in SGA - is that this time it doesn't involve the dreaded "writing for others instead of myself" pit, something I fell into during my SGA days that lead to some heavy discouragement (not just discouragement when it came to writing fanfic, but writing in general), and it took me forever to climb out of.

But I can't say that's what's going on now because I don't even know what it is the general WC audience wants. More whump? Less whump? More fluff? More drama? More Peter (I do kind of feel like more Peter fans have been coming out of the wood work, while Neal fans... seem to be fading into the shadows. Seriously, where have all the Neal fans gone?). Neither is it something I am, or have been, actively worrying about (and I did worry about it in SGA for a time. For example, I would try to tone down the whump as much as I could, because I knew there were a lot of people who didn't like heavy whump). So I'm not really sure what it is trying to be a bad influence on me.

That said, I do feel a lot better having talked about it. It could have been a matter of needing to organize my thoughts and figure some things out, I don't know.

Comments

[neontiger55.livejournal.com]

Your whole first paragraph sums up how I've been feeling for a long time, both in terms of original work and fanfic. It's so hard to get yourself out of that mode, right? And then it sort of just disappears when you least expect it.

Fanfic is a wild card, you're right, but although you have to take it all with a pinch of salt, I still think it can be a measure of ability - even if it's just being able to hit certain tropes in the right way or delivering on a prompt. The team of writers who work on tv shows, like WC, are playing with someone else's characters and settings, and in many ways there are certain things they have to get into their episode that they know the audience will expect (a Mozzie witticism, a Peter-Neal moment, a heist etc). I think there's skill in that, to make it fresh and new while working inside the lines, if that makes sense?

Also, Neal fan here! Writing post 'JD' whump as we speak ;)

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Fanfic is a wild card, you're right, but although you have to take it all with a pinch of salt, I still think it can be a measure of ability - even if it's just being able to hit certain tropes in the right way or delivering on a prompt.

True. Fanfic has always been there for me when it comes to having something to test my writing on, so to speak. I'm not a big fan of writing original short stories (I can never come up with ideas I like) so that means I wasn't writing as much as I should just to be writing. Then came fanfic and I was writing like crazy. And, yes, seeing gradual improvement.

So I guess I shouldn't say it shouldn't be used as a gauge for anything. But, maybe, to be careful when using it as a gauge? Or maybe don't depend too much on it as a writing gauge because of those mentioned factors and other factors besides. Part of my problem was that I would always fret and flail over how many reviews I got, whether or not one of my stories was rec'd, why this person always got artwork (vids, podcasts, what-have-you) for their story and I didn't (but I did later on), and so on. I get into this mindset of "if A or B or C is happening, then it means your stories are good. If not, then you need to improve." And that's where using fanfic to gauge your stories is a bad idea - when you look around you, see what's going on with other people, and think your stories aren't good enough because those same things aren't happening to you. I had managed to dig myself out of that mindset. Why it tried to come back, now, I have no idea. But I believe I'm past it now. I do think it was a matter of needing to organize my thoughts and see the big picture once again. In other words, I'd lost perspective for a while, there.

I feel a little bad saying that it seems like all the Neal fans are fading away, because I know they're not. I know that for a lot of people it's a matter of catching up on the episodes, for others it's a matter of either working on something or trying to get plot bunnies in line, and some have found interest in other things. But, when you're feeling down, the mind likes to latch on to these kind of things and blow them out of proportion.

[neontiger55.livejournal.com]

"So I guess I shouldn't say it shouldn't be used as a gauge for anything. But, maybe, to be careful when using it as a gauge?"

Yes, I think that's a good perspective to take. It's a strange kind of writing limbo, producing fanfic; in real life I'm a filmmaker and work with my own and other people's writing all the time. But it's a long, time consuming process to get an end product, whereas fanfic has an immediacy which is very satisfying, but at the same time, it's quite short lived isn't it? And, as you say, you can fall into that trap of comparing your writing to another person's, and the reaction of their fic to yours, when there are just too many variables that affect how a work is received for it to be a valuable exercise. I guess you could do the same with published work - why is that writer selling more than me? etc.

I've definitely realized you have to let that stuff go and do it for no other reason than you need to put that idea down on paper (which is easier said than done, of course!) and that applies to anything creative, because it's just not a quantifiable thing.

With regards to Neal, I think that the finale has (understandably) created a surge of Peter love, so maybe that's affecting how it seems? I'm sure they'll be plenty of Neal centric things to read soon enough ;)

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

With regards to Neal, I think that the finale has (understandably) created a surge of Peter love, so maybe that's affecting how it seems?

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. There's been a lot of "Yay, Peter!" - which is fine, of course - but as a Neal fan I wanted to squee about Neal, but all I could find was Peter squee and I guess it left me feeling a little lonely.

[neontiger55.livejournal.com]

Lol, yeah, I've been quietly squeeing to myself at my journal! I'm so heartbroken for Neal, but excited, too, about the new, hopefully more dynamic direction the show is going to take. That end scene just about killed me *wibble*

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

My joy was Neal deciding that it didn't matter if he was on or off the anklet, he was happy where he was and planning on sticking around :D That and he had finally found his happiness... until it was ripped away, of course ;_;

[neontiger55.livejournal.com]

Ah, I like criminal!Neal, so I did a lot of hand waving at that point ;) But the fact that that life was taken away from him after everything he sacrificed was brutal. I really hope Kramer gets what's coming to him.