Inquiry Time!

[kriadydragon]

Does it ever make you bristle - even just a teeny-tiny bit - when you're trying to vent and release a little frustration in your journal, and someone replies with what amounts to "you're issue isn't my issue" - i.e. "stuff like that doesn't really bother me" or "I just hit the back button" or "I just don't read stories/watch movies/watch shows like that" and so on.

I know it's just people commenting because they want to comment but... I don't know. There's just something about it that rubs me the wrong way. I mean, for one, I'm venting, so my patience is already pretty thin and it doesn't take much to exacerbate my frustration. There's very little that I'm willing or able to put up with, though I do try.

I guess, for me, it makes my complaints feel piddly and pointless. And, yes, it probably is piddly and pointless, but that's the thing about frustration and anger; even knowing it's piddly and pointless doesn't make it go away. Venting... it doesn't make it go away right away, but it helps, a lot. What doesn't help is feeling like that because the issue doesn't bother others, it shouldn't bother me as well.

Then, of course, there's the frustration of "but you don't understand." Because if it's not your issue, if it's not something you have a problem with, then of course you're not going to understand. And what people trying to vent their frustrations need is someone who understands. The person is upset, annoyed, having a hard time looking at the positive, so for you to tell them "Oh, I don't have a problem with that" is going to sound to that person like you're being patronizing, even though you're not.

What do you all think? Is this something you find bothersome, or easy enough to shrug off?

(FYI, it's okay to say "I don't have that problem..." on this post. This is a question post, not a venting post ;))

Comments

[rhianne.livejournal.com]

LOL! Definitely this. If I'm venting, then absolutely, it might be the most insignificantly pointless thing in the world to get stressed over, but it's frustrating me, and I really don't want people to say "get over it", or "you should just do this instead", or whatever.

Instead, I want a "there there, I know, isn't it awful" or some such other commiseration, because you're right, the act of venting itself is what I need to do. Also, when I'm in those kinds of moods the last thing I want to hear is what I should do instead of venting, because 99% of the time I do do that, and I know I should do that, but I'm choosing instead to vent... *g*

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Yes to all of this :D Providing "answers" when all the person wants is an ear willing to listen is something I try to be careful of, because if their issue isn't my issue, I want to try to "help" them get over it. Except that's not what they want - it's far from what they want - so I ponder their issue like crazy until I find a way to understand, but if that doesn't happen, if I just can't commiserate, then I won't say anything at all.

[tari-roo.livejournal.com]

I concur. There is nothing quite frustrating like having the wind taken out of your sails, whether when venting online or to friends/family. You do just need that support of 'totally! you are so right'. We all need a few yes-men in our lives, who can also when we need it be the voice of reason and have the wisdom to know what we need, when we need it :)

venting is healthy and important... and shouldn't be taken too seriously, in my mind ;)

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

venting is healthy and important... and shouldn't be taken too seriously, in my mind ;)

Very true. Sometimes you need to let it out, because frustration is going to have it's way one way or the other. It takes time to get over, which is why I hate it when you're frustrated and someone tells you to "just get over it." Easier said than done - kind of like telling the tide to just recede already. It's not going to, it's going to recede gradually, and anger and frustration are the same way.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Hm... I don't really have that problem, so I couldn't care less.

Sorry, just kidding. Seriously? Why do people do that? (And do I do it too but haven't noticed so far? If not in your journal, then maybe elsewhere?) I usually try to operate in a way where if I don't have anything meaningful and/or positive to add to a comment or an entry, I try not to say anything at all. Doesn't always work, but I think pulling someone's strings whose strings were already pulled is just really low.

So, yeah, I totally get why you're upset about that kind of thing. I like venting in my journal too sometimes. Doesn't work that way for everyone, but for me it often helps to have written it down. To have let it out of my system and clear my head. And I think it'd grate my cheese too if someone came along and said, Take a chill pill, because WTF are you all riled up about?

See, I have this friend who just really hates Shia LaBeouf. To the point where she flat-out refuses to watch anything he's in, even if her all time favorite actor stars too. To the point where she feels personally affronted if someone even mentions his name on "her" message board (the board is one third hers, really -- maybe less because I'm the one who owns site it's affiliated with, and I'm the one who does all the technical crap and updates too, but I guess that's beside the point here). And while I get that sometimes you have certain actors you just don't like even though they've never done anything to you (for me it's Tilda Swinton and "RPatz"), I just cannot understand how someone can so deeply hate someone she has never even met, that she would be this personally insulted by even a mention of his name.

(Bear with me, I'm getting to the point.)

So whenever the subject comes up, I just wanna scream in her face to take a chill pill, he's just a stupid actor. (Plus, I think she's being really hypocritical about the whole thing, but that's a whole other story.) But I don't. I ignore it because I know it'll just upset her, lead to unwanted strife, and piss her off even more. And I don't get why people just have this twisted compulsion to cause a stir for nothing, hurting people in the process.

Have you ever been to the IMDb message boards? You wouldn't believe the number of brainless trolls that hang out there. I have never seen a place where so many people meet who come to a message board with the single intent of provoking other people by insulting them (usually without good reason). It's very sad. (And the reason why I don't frequent that place anymore.)

Oh dear, now I've misused your journal to go on my own little rant. Humble apologies.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Heh, I'm all for venting, so if someone wants to vent on one of my posts - as long as it's pretty close to on topic, I'm cool with it (not so much if it goes completely and utterly off topic. Gotta draw the line somewhere;)).

For me, it's not a matter of people telling me tongue-in-cheek to lighten up. They simply want to comment, to participate, but because my issue isn't their issue they kind of go the other direction. Which, at times, is fine. Sometimes, it helps to keep me open-minded. But it's also a fine line to walk, especially where venting is concerned, because when something upsets me it upsets me on a lot of levels that goes beyond merely hitting the back button (or whatever) and forgetting the annoyance exists. It's a little too late for that or I wouldn't even be complaining. So it bothers me a little when someone responds to my vent with a "I just hit the back button:D." They're not saying it to be mean, or cause trouble, or even to tell me to lighten up. They're just participating in my post. But I've heard it so often when it's a fic I'm complaining about that I now bristle every time I see it. (Plus, how do you reply to that without getting into a long-winded speech about how this isn't a matter of simply hitting the back button?)

I mean, it's fine that my issue isn't someone else's issue. It's fine that they don't agree with me - they don't have to! But when I'm complaining, I'm in a bad mood, and when in a bad mood, there are some things I don't want to hear (or read).

I have been to the IMDb message boards. I have been avoiding them ever since :S I'm also trying to avoid YouTube comments.

[sherry57.livejournal.com]

Venting is a way to show that someting is really bothering you and does you good.
When I do it, I really don't need someone acting as if it's nothing. I need someone to say...'aww', or....'I understand'....or 'poor dear'.....or 'the same thing happened to me' or something similar. I need comfort, acceptance I have a problem, support...I don't need criticism..or someone making me feel stupid that I have a problem with the subject etc.
You want to vent hon...feel free. I promise to listen without criticising. I promise to just be there...I'm sure that's what you're looking for because I know it's what I'm looking for.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I think most people aren't trying to rain on my...well... rain ;). For me, at least, I know it's people just trying to participate. But it's sort of like when you're squeeing about a show, and someone comments with "Well, I gave the show a try but it just wasn't my cup of tea." They don't like the show and that's perfectly fine, but it's not really the thing to say when all someone wants to do is squee. It's something I used to be guilty of until I realized what I was doing. There are times when it's appropriate (say, when someone is doing a post about different shows and wants to know what others think) and times when it's not (say, when the post is nothing but squee).

When I'm venting, it's fine that my problem isn't your problem but, yeah, I don't want to hear about it.

[imbecamiel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yes. It does bother me - especially when I KNOW I'm not handling something as well as I could (or something not particularly important), and am working on that, but just need to talk out what's bugging me.

Sometimes a good friend - who you know does understand - can help point out things you've lost sight of, and help you regain some perspective. But often... heh, it just helps when a really good friend can tell that you just need to get something out of your system. There are times for offering advice, and times for just hearing a person out and giving some sympathy.

Unfortunately - just saying "eh, doesn't bother me, you're being oversensitive/dealing with it wrong" doesn't exactly help in either way. I mean... if you feel like commenting for the sake of it, why not just leave it at "Aw, sorry that's been bothering you"? :P

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a good friend - who you know does understand - can help point out things you've lost sight of, and help you regain some perspective. But often... heh, it just helps when a really good friend can tell that you just need to get something out of your system.

Yes to this, which is why I now keep all my ventings under friends lock. I like a good voice of reason now and then but too many strangers kept trying to be that voice of reason, and in a way that was totally missing the point, and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to try and clear things up. One person even made assumptions and lectured me on something that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was venting about.

[nefhiriel.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. I have this issue. XD

Sometimes I think it's all in the phrasing? I mean, I'm fine with someone commenting, even if they don't agree with the ranting/venting going on. But if all they have to say is "Uh. No. Can't say I understand where you're coming from." then that just feels condescending. When someone is clearly using their own personal journal to vent personal feelings, if you're going to comment you need to at least use a modicum of sympathy in your tone while commenting (and if you don't have any sympathy for the person, it's probably best to just stay out of it and not give the poor frazzled person more reasons to rant).

So, yes. I totally identify. And sympathize. ^^

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Pretty much, yes, this, exactly to everything you said :D It's not that people are deliberately trying to tell you not to vent or that your issue isn't a real issue. It's just... bad timing and poor phrasing. Another example I thought about was writing. When someone posts about their writing troubles, the worst thing you can do is respond about how well your own story is going (then tack on a "but I'm sorry your story isn't." Whoo, boy, talk about opening a can of worms).

I'm not normally picky about how people respond, and for the most part even when they do respond how we discussed it isn't that big a deal. But when in a bad mood, it's hard to put up with a lot, and I can get in some pretty nasty moods.

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

Depends....

I don't really need to everyone agree with me. I'm totally okay with someone having a different opinion about the issue. Sometimes, a different perspective helps to see something positive in things.

BUT!

What I totally hate is, if someone pretends to know why I feel bad about a special issue...I recently read this post: http://sahiya.dreamwidth.org/599491.html?thread=2502595&style=light
concerning the Sara Ellis problematic and it really made me angry, because I'm neither a slasher, nor do I simply ship a different pairing, nor do I have an issue with having the TV-Show's eye-candy paired up. And I really don't think that this is what the unhappiness about Sara is about, because most people having a problem with her are arguing based on plot-issues and neither Lauren nor Alex provoced such a strong reaction, although they both got intodruced as possible love interest.

Nearly as worse is it, when someone marganilizes your problem. At the moment, I have some problems with the neighbors...small stuff, but grating and unnecessary. I would prefer to have an amiable relationship with them, but they ... well, let's stop before I begin a venting, too. Recently I told a friend about all those problems I have. And what does she do? She says: "I know nobody who would get so worked up about such things." Well, thanks for nothing. She hasn't seen my mother, my sister or my brother-in-law, or she would have seen three people more being just as worked up about it. And yes, when I write all the stuff down, it seems silly even to me to even think about it - but try to life in the situation all the time, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You will think differently about it!

I agree, venting helps. It helps to loose some of the anger you can't vent (in my case) directly at the neighbor, because it would make a difficult situation even worse. And it totally doesn't help if someone tells you that you are silly. They can tell me that I'm silly if I voice the intent to take silly action (like smearing Grafitti over their reflecting red housewall, which makes our kitchen PINK!).

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Your Sara Ellis example is a good one. It's the kind of issue that makes for a big temptation to come in and voice the opposite, either in defense of your opinion, in the hopes of being "the voice of reason" or simply because you want to participate even though you don't exactly share the same views. And that's where people need to tread carefully. There have been times I have been tempted, and even gave into the temptation, of being the opposite voice. Sometimes it was okay because that was what the author wanted - a discussion full of varying viewpoints. Other times I felt bad about it, because the post was a vent, or a squee post, and my comment didn't really contribute except to say "your issue isn't my issue."

I don't mind voices of reasons since voices of reason are trying to make a point, and even though I may not entirely agree with that point it at least gets me to think about the situation a little more carefully. What I don't like is when it feels like people are just saying "Well, stuff like that doesn't really bother me" just to be saying it.

Though I'll admit that, at times, it's difficult to know the difference. As mentioned above, it's all about phrasing, and if a point was trying to be made it became lost in translation, so to speak. As I've said before in my other replies, it's hard to be clear-headed when you're frustrated and upset.

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

Yeah...it's totally tempting to jump in, but in this case, it would be a recipe for "ship-wars" or similiar. So far, the discussions have been overall friendly. But as soon, as one party pretents that they know the mind or the other party, or (god forbit) that they are right because "they are the majority" (who knows, perhaps the majority doesn't care either way), things can get ugly very fast. While I like to voice my opinion about the issue, I have no interest to end up being the participant of a fandom wank.

[black-raven135.livejournal.com]

So does this mean that because it is not THEIR issue that you have no right to vent in YOUR journal?
That makes no sense and I understand fully what you mean when you say it is demeaning to you when you say it makes you feel they are piddly and pointless.
If I thought that I would merely move on.
What is the point in demeaning someone in THEIR journal?