Is it just me or...

[kriadydragon]

Lately, I've been reading a lot of stories in which one character gets upset at another character because the other character didn't tell them about "a thing." As a general example, character A gets mad because character B didn't tell character A about... his phobia of spiders or something. And, dang it, here character A thought that he and B were friends so why didn't B tell A about his phobia?

And... maybe this is just me, I don't know, but being best friends doesn't automatically mean being privy to every iota of info on the other person's life. And it's makes me squirm a little whenever a story has one character getting upset with another character because the other character didn't divulge every little aspect of themselves to their best friend.

My experience with friendship has always been "you find out when it comes up. And until then, it's none of your business. And when it does come up, it better not be a big deal." For example, I didn't know a friend of mine had asthma until I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house, but she couldn't because we have cats and cat dander sometimes aggravated her asthma. Did I get bent out of shape because I was only learning about this now and why didn't she say anything sooner because we're best friends and she should tell me everything? Heck no! We went to her house instead and moved on.

So it bugs me in stories whenever characters are written with this entitlement complex in which having a best friend means knowing all their secrets, and then making the best friend feel like crap for not divulging everything (and even worse if it's an incredibly uncomfortable subject for the character). People will divulge what they will divulge either when they're ready to or if it's necessary. I mean, yes, in some cases I can understand the best friend's frustration and feelings of inadequacy because they felt their friend kept something important from them for no reason. But in other cases, the best friend ends up coming across as more self-absorbed than concerned or the poor woobie who had a secret kept from them.

It makes me think of this one interview between Colin Morgan and Bradley James, in which Bradley came to find out that Colin was lactose intolerant. He was quite shocked that he didn't know this after having worked with Colin for some time. However, his disappointment was not aimed at Colin but at himself for not being more observant. And when he asked Colin why he (Bradley) didn't know about it Colin said that it was kind of a personal thing. Colin wasn't contrite about having not said anything, or apologetic. In fact, he almost sounded a little annoyed (Probably because he thought Bradley was about to make a fuss about it, I don't know). But had this been a fic you can bet Bradley would have been upset at Colin and Colin completely contrite about it.

I don't know, what do you all think? I feel like most of the "why didn't you tell me!" stuff is mostly just a cheap attempt at drama (or humor). But in the end it just makes the characters look like drama queens :/ But I also feel like it sends a bad message, especially when it comes to finding out something both new and serious about a friend and then making them feel bad for keeping it to themselves. Most people keep certain things to themselves not because they don't trust other people, but because it's a massively uncomfortable topic they just plain don't like talking about!

Comments

[greeneyes-fan.livejournal.com]

I think I agree with you. I mean, if it was a BIG thing that had come up before and my friend had clearly gone out of their way to hide it, sure, I might be upset. Or if we were walking into a situation where the friend knew it was going to be an issue and really should have mentioned it in advance. But in general yeah, I don't expect to know everything about everyone.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I mean, if it was a BIG thing that had come up before and my friend had clearly gone out of their way to hide it, sure, I might be upset. Or if we were walking into a situation where the friend knew it was going to be an issue and really should have mentioned it in advance.

Oh, yeah, definitely. There's times to be upset and times not to, things that need to be talked about and things that aren't really anyone's business. The thing with these stories is that it feels like the authors don't really know the difference. To them, if it's something serious, then it's something that needs to be talked about. And for the character not to talk about it automatically means it's because they don't trust the other person who is supposed to be their friend. And in some cases, I get that. In other cases, it feels like the author is trying too hard to put in either some drama, comfort or humor, and end up turning a mole hill inot a mountain.

[imbecamiel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, not just you, I see this quite a bit. And I do think it's largely a failure to see the distinction between different kinds of "secrets." There are plenty of things that just... don't come up. There's no particular need for anyone else to know, and talking about it randomly's only likely to make you sound weirdly self-centered, feeling the need to fill everyone in on every detail of your life.

Then there are the things where it's logical that the person who didn't know would feel like a rather bad friend for not having somehow known about that earlier, even if it's not particularly significant. Blaming a friend because they didn't tell you about something like that, while it might be a natural way to make yourself feel better, is not cool.

Annnd then there are situations where the person really should have said something when it looked like it might become relevant (say, mentioning a paralyzing fear of bats when you have to go into some caves, rather than assuming that you'll find some way to deal and then being unable to act at a crucial moment). There it is reasonable for the friend to be upset/annoyed, because even if it was entirely your business before, once you had good reason to think it would negatively affect people you care about... not so much. Should have given others enough warning to be aware of a potential weak point and compensate before it put everyone in danger.

But even in cases like the last one, there's a lot more need for nuance. There are issues that you might not have thought would be relevant, then they become so and negatively affect others unexpectedly. At those times there's room for both sides - you wouldn't be unreasonable for not having brought it up, but the other person would be only natural in being upset that they weren't informed of something that had a huge impact. In the end, though, there usually needs to be more understanding, rather than leaving it on some note of, "Well, if you're really a friend then you should tell the people around you absolutely everything about you ever, otherwise you don't really trust them/care."

/rambling

But yeah. Definitely a scenario that's overused without logical thought regarding the reasons for characters' reactions.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Heh, it's hard to respond to this since you said everything that needed saying ;)

[aim2misbhave.livejournal.com]

That, and people don't always think of every little detail, some bigger and some smaller.

For example, I'm a vegetarian. That's not something I actively try to tell people, but it's something that'll likely come up sooner or later. If someone's like "wait, I didn't know you're a vegetarian!" I'm like "oh, yeah, I thought it was obvious..." and they're usually like "yeah, I always just assumed you really liked fruit and carbs, but I actually haven't ever seen you eat meat!"

On the other hand, I have a caterpillar phobia. And I'll mention it to people, but unless like we're trying to watch the Once Upon a Time spin-off series and I'm like "GIANT CATERPILLAR OH HELL NO CHANGE THE CHANNEL" it's not the kind of thing that I even think about on a daily basis.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

That, and people don't always think of every little detail, some bigger and some smaller.

Very true, especially for new writers or writers not really looking to hone their craft, I think. It's so easy to keep things simple and go for the black and write that the author may not realize that their characters are coming across as overreacting.

it's not the kind of thing that I even think about on a daily basis.

Yes! Or there are things you're just not comfortable talking about. I'm personally a rather it's-no-one's-business kind of person, which is probably why character's who get bent out of shape over not being told something makes me squirm. Me not talking about certain things isn't a matter of trust. In some cases, it just doesn't come up, In other cases, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone.

[1sexy-pineapple.livejournal.com]

totally agree with you there, why would you randomly tell people every little thing about you when it has never been relevant before then. I get being upset about a massive secret that affects you as well but so what if you kept an allergy or a story or a crush to yourself

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I think most writers do it to create drama or angst. Problem is that some authors get a little too black-and-white about it, or make the fall-out and reconciliation too simple - character A didn't get told a thing, reprimands character B for not talking about the thing, character B apologizes and all is right with the world. And, yeah, in some cases - depending on "the thing" - it's understandable. But in other cases in just makes everyone look like a drama queen :/

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Oh crap, nobody knows everything about a best friend, or even relatives! It might be the latest trend in fanfic, I'm not sure. Can't say if I see this a lot on TV as I tend to watch just a few shows now since SGA got axed (grrrr).

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I mostly just see it in fanfic and mostly done by fledgling writers. As I said in the comment above, it's usually to create angst and drama, but it's handled either too simply or the "secret" not all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

I have quite a few shows I watch, I'm just bad about actually watching anything, these days :/