kriadydragon | Must... Rant!

So I made the mistake of watching this "special" (an VH1 which really should have been my biggest warning) on virginity. I don't know why I thought they would be subjective about it, I don't know why I thought they would actual show some respect toward virginity and those who choose to wait until they're married before they have sex. I don't know why I watched this show when most of the media has made up its mind that virginity = losers.

I am so sick and tired of virginity being put down, and that if you're a virgin then *sarcasm*obviously there's something wrong with you*sarcasm* or that waiting until you're married is impossible because *sarcasm*everyone fails to biology eventually*sarcasm*. Yeah, tell that to all the people I know who waited until they were married and, oh, yeah, they're married, and didn't hurry to get married just so they could lose their virginity.

Humans have this nifty thing called agency. Agency is the freedom to chose, to decide whether to give in to biological urges or to hold off. If a person doesn't want to have sex, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them, it doesn't mean they're asexual or anything else. It simply means they made a choice and are sticking with it. What the crap is wrong with that? Why has virginity become such an "ew, yucky!" thing? And how can no one see what is horribly wrong with this picture! (because, last I checked, it was usually sexually promiscuous people who had to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, not virgins. And, last I heard, hasn't teen pregnancy been on the rise?)

Nothing gets my hackles up like anti-virginity sentiments. All the more so because it's so subtle, not out-and-out anti but certainly leaning heavily in that direction - as in like trying to hide an elephant behind a baby tree :P

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When I was younger, I had a doctor tell me, after finding out I was a virgin at the age of 18, that I was a big girl now and should make an appointment to have it medically taken care of.

WTF?!

Needless to say, I never went back to that doctor.

Oh, wow. Creeper much? :P That's scary. Definitely good thing you didn't go back.

I had something similar happen right after I finished college - I had appendicitis and when I went to the emergency room the doctors kept asking if Icould be pregnant. They didn't get the hint until I flat-out told them, and even then they didn't quite believe me (or the reactions I got - "I didn't think anyone could be your age and still be a virgin" - they still ran a pregnancy test).

Rude much? :P I would have probably chewed them a new one for that one. There's just no respect for anything or anyone these days.

Where they expecting immaculate conception?

That was actually what I kept telling them!

I had the same issue but without the appendicitis (I had developed IBS). The doctor was going through his spiel of the various tests and said .. "and you will need a pregnancy test" and I said.. "Why?.." he looked at me like I was stupid and said "To check your not preganant".. and I said "But how can i be preganant if I've never had sex"... he kind of looked at me like I had just taken my head off and placed it on the table.. fiddled with his computer then blasted back into his speil again..

it seems that virginity past the age of your teens is very rare..

:O....

if i had a doctor say that to me themn a complaint to the BMA would be in hand.. how completely unprofessional.

Amen! Thank you for saying this. It is So. Very. True. And yet so few are willing to say it...

Yeah, I'm in my 20s and a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that. I believe in waiting until marriage for sex. That decision doesn't make one a loser, and it is hardly a foregone conclusion that one will inevitably fail in such a commitment.

It... truly boggles the mind, the attitude that most people seem to have developed regarding virginity.

Anti-virginity is like a lot of fads - ridiculous and illogical, sort of like how guys will wear pants practically off their rears, or women will wear ridiculously high heels: they don't look good, and if these people had to run for their lives they'd be screwed. And to ridicule virginity, to me, is like ridiculing someone for wearing their seat belt.

Word.

I think maybe it's the product of pressure from guys who want to get laid, combined with feminist backlash against the centuries of shaming of women who decide that the sexual double standard is unfair, a person's worth is not related to what's between the legs or whether it has seen action, and they want to have fun, now, without the fuss and bother of ceremony or contract or later obligation. There might also be some reaction to abstinence-only education that's been so popular (and popularly ridiculed) in recent years in the mix, too.

Now, if you're talking about male virgins, it's because having sex with a woman is proof of masculinity. And a man isn't a man unless he proves it regularly. Plus, this "agency" thing? Men don't need no stinkin' "agency." They got needs. So says popular culture, anyway. Centuries of it.

Drat. My mock-html sarcasm tags got stripped out of the last paragraph.

I blame it on society being both sex obsessed and less willing to take responsibility for their own actions. I think people like the idea of saying "biology made me do it" because if something happens (disease, pregnancy, adultery) they have something or someone else to blame it on other than themselves. Thus making the choice to wait a threat, because it drives home the fact that we and only we are the ones responsible for our own actions. So when something bad happens, it's our own fault because we made a choice and it was the wrong one.

I can't stand the whole "it's okay for men to sleep with anyone/a boy must sleep with a woman to become a man" mindset. Because, yeah, *sarcasm*it's so manly to knock a girl up then ditch her later*sarcasm* :P The guys I know - guys who I would call real men - are all either virgins or who waited until they were married.

My husband and I were both virgins when we married. He had *just* turned 30 and I was 23; there's 6.5 years between us. There was nothing "terribly wrong" with either of us. We just obeyed what God had to say about sex in the Bible. No fornication (sex before marriage), and no adultery (sex with someone else while married). We've never regretted it and our honeymoon night in 1990 was the most wonderful experience. I can proudly say that I enjoy sex without there being any skeletons in my closet, without any STD running rampant in my body, and no fear that I might be a danger to my husband's life from something like AIDS.

Wow. Amazing how that works, isn't it? :) lol Good for you for saying something, Kriady! : )

Amen Padawan!

Amen :D I'm thirty, still a virgin, and will darn will remain that way until I'm married, and I don't care if it's when I'm forty or even fifty (well, fifty would be an issue because I want to have kids ;) But, then, that's where adoption wold come in :D). Sex is something sacred, something special - a gift for the one you love so much you want to be with them for the rest of your life - not candy to be handed out to just anyone.

And thanks. Anti-virginity is a major, major, major pet peeve of mine. I've been wanting to say something for some time but kept getting distracted from the subject. The show I watched ended up being the last straw.

You said that very well. It is a sacred and intimate act to be shared with the one you love. It's not a sport or a pass-time.

I totally agree - and I was taught if your partner really respects you, they will be willing to wait until marriage or until the relationship is very established. Yes, there is some truth to us being hard-wired to reproduce, but we also have brains and can make conscious decisions.

That VH-1 special sounds awful. No one should be looked down upon for wanting to wait until they are married or for the right moment. Choosing to abstain is your right and I's a sad testament in today's society that people are looked down upon for such a choice.

On the flip side, I didn't marry my husband until we were together for ten years because I also hate the idea that a piece of paper or a ring somehow makes our love more legitimate.

You should be proud that you're waiting and always hold your head high. Love is a very special thing and outside influences or perceptions should never change that :D

It was obnoxious. If they were trying to be neutral on the subject, they failed miserably. It was pretty dang obvious which way they were leaning and it was insulting.

Waiting doesn't make you a loser. It makes you a winner. I waited and I'm proud to say so. And no, there's nothing wrong with me.

This isn't wild kingdom and we 'do' have a choice. To criticize others for being strong enough to hold onto their beliefs or just their plain old common-sense is wrong.

If Teen pregnancy, (or single parenting) and STDs, AIDS etc. isn't enough incentive to wait then I don't know what is. It's like literally playing russian roulette with your life. I don't understand why someone would take such cavalier risks and then call someone who doesn't a loser. It makes no sense.

As for VH1 and their 'special' they can't be subjective about it because their argument for loose behavior won't hold up against the many, many, many, reasons to abstain. 'Just do it or you won't be cool?' Um, yeah. I'm real impressed..... "NOT!" (Maybe they need to call Virgins losers to feel better about themselves---which is an indication of how wrong it is)

I don't mean to get up on a soap-box and I'm not judging those who choose not to wait. But to call people who chose to abstain losers is ludicrous.

I feel sorry for children having to grow up now. The pressure is not just coming from their peers but also media and society in general, which seems to be encouraging questionable behavior. Most of it involves immediate gratification and to heck with the consequences.

There are indeed consequences for our actions, whether we like it or not.

"It's like literally playing russian roulette with your life."

Very true. I've often thought of it this way.

"As for VH1 and their 'special' they can't be subjective about it because their argument for loose behavior won't hold up against the many, many, many, reasons to abstain. 'Just do it or you won't be cool?'"

These were my thoughts exactly. Granted, they make a few good points (such as talking to your kids about sex rather than completely ignoring the subject). But overall they pretty much scoffed at those who had made the decision to wait until marriage. They pointed out various celebrities who were virgins, how they eventually lost their virginity, but didn't really touch on the fact that many of these celebrities are living rather unhappy lives. The attitude of this special was "these people who decide to stay virgins are going to lose" and that's what got my hackles up.

I don't care what people say, the media does have influence. I mean, it's the media, it's what we see everyday when we watch TV. How can it not have some kind of influence?

they're just jealous and guilty about losing their virginity...psychologically.

Losing their virginity...that's a funny phrase, really. I don't know how many of us have thought about this.

"Help! I lost my virginity!" (searches under bed, behind couch, desk drawers) "Quick, send search parties into the woods, it doesn't like to be alone! I need to find it again!

Under ordinary circumstances, virginity is not "lost." It is discarded, preferably at a time that feels right.

I don't doubt that.

Sex is the thing though.. its THE THING!.. everyone who is adult must have sex.. no adult can deny sex.. its THE THING!...

Virginity has always been one of those things. "Society" desires it as a paragon of virtue..but people and peer group seem to feel it is some form of stigma that you are not a person unless you have "poped the cherry".

I find it very depressing myself as I can't see the point of being promiscuous just because... sex drive is individual to the person, some people can't stop having sex, others need more than just a nice backside and a good set of Pecs to get them interested. You know, its all part of the gene selection thingy.

For me, I was given on epiece of advice by my mother that wholely seemed to make perfect sense to me, and that was "you should only have sex with the person you want to have sex with". I stuck with that advice, it sounded like great advice...

I didn't have my first sexual encounter till relatively late in life (I.e. well into my 20's). I know it makes me sound like some paragon of virtue but I'm not, it just didn't feel right (or indeed safe) to go out and have sex with morons just because..

I also find these days it is a great pity that Sex is not seen as a special thing to a lot of people these days (personally I blame the victorian values which made sex something seedy and dirty to be hidden and not spoken of, which then backlashed into this society of promiscuity and flagrancy..rather than a perfectly natural urge which is to be sated as to ones personal desire) to me it is an act of great personal intimacy, something you share with someone special in a way that is special to you both, it is an emotional bonding experience. I myself cannot countenance just randomly "doing it" with anyone and everyone.. that's just.. well .... odd..

Ignore the TV docurama thingy's they are stupid..

Edited Date: 2010-07-08 12:29 pm (UTC)

Mmm, I don't know if it's so much a gene selection thing as more psychological, but that would probably be getting into a nature vs. nurture debate, and there's probably truths to both sides of it, so I won't go there.

As I mentioned in one of the responses above, the anti-virginity things is kind of like a fad. Well, it is a fad, a status symbol, just one that isn't going away. Because like a fad, it makes no sense. It's like making fun of someone who buys their clothes at Goodwill or Wal-Mart. Even if the clothes are top brand names, because they were bought at Goodwill/Wal-Mart (thus saving the person a ton of money) then *sarcasm*obviously they must be inferior*sarcasm* :P

I don't know why I watched that special as I knew what it was going to do. I was too hopeful, I guess. Never again. In fact, I refuse to watch any documentaries of a historical or sociological nature as they are way too skewed to take serously. Animal documentaries, fine, since it's animals and animals don't have an agenda ;) Anything else I don't trust to give even a cursory try.

I don't know why I watched that special as I knew what it was going to do.

Train wreck TV.. it will get you every time..

I couldn't agree with you more (and all of the other people who commented). There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, and anyone who says otherwise is a little crazy in my opinion. Sex is not meant to prove anything except your love for your partner.

I think it's the disbelief that someone can possibly keep their virginity past their teenage years that bugs me the most though, especially when it's a medical professional that won't believe you. I can sort of see if you're a teenager that they might run a pregnancy test in spite of what you say, but if you're of age and you tell them there's no possibility that you could be pregnant they should believe you, end of story. My sister (who was probably 26 or 27 at the time) refused to pay for a pregnancy test because they did it without her consent even after she told them there was no way she could be. *shakes head* Yet another reason I dislike doctors.

I don't think I've had issues with doctors giving me grief over pregnancy tests. I may have been asked as a teen if I was sexually active, but when I said no they didn't push the matter or anything. However, the thing is I also haven't been to a doctor in a long time (no insurance). I did go to an ear and throat specialist, but they're an ear and throat specialist so their questions only go so far ;) So it's always made me curious as to whether being a virgin at my age would be an issue with doctors what with the world being so sex obsessed. According to all the responses, it's something I'm going to have to watch out for.

And I wouldn't be surprised if they pushed the test on your sister to also bill her for more. You wouldn't believe the things they charged for when my grandpa was in the hospital - speech therapy, when he could talk just fine!. Good for your sister for not giving in.

*applauds*

It makes me so happy when people stand up and say stuff like this, because yes waiting is the right thing to do. Absolutely the right thing to do. Seriously, when was the last time you heard someone in real life, not a movie or teen romance, say they wished they'd gone ahead and had sex? It's always the other way around. And it baffles me that our culture refuses to recognize that, especially when you add in all the possible diseases et al.

This is something I've been wanting to say for a long time, but kept getting distracted until now.

And amen to everything you said. I know a lot of people who didn't regret waiting, and a lot of people who regretted not waiting. Yet people will spit out swears and talk about sex and everything there-in until they're blue in the face, but treat virginity and abstinence as though they're the real dirty words.

Well said and true!!

Hurray to you for such a wonderful outlook on this topic.

I was a virgin when I married and stayed married for 19 years. Unfortunately we divorced but not because the sex was lousy...it was darn awesome but because we failed to continue to communicate and grow with each other. I lost my best friend somewhere along the way and it was very sad that we could never find each other.

Now some 10 plus years since my divorce I have been celibate. Not because I hate men, or sex or am gay... but because I *choose* to be picky. I choose to enter into a another marriage (if fate dictates) without the emotional baggage of having *slept* around. I believe in the old fashion - no sex before marriage even though I've been there done that and am more than proud of the fact. My faith and my *personal* perference fuels this decision and in the end it doesn't matter what others think I have to live with ME not THEM.

"My faith and my *personal* perference fuels this decision and in the end it doesn't matter what others think I have to live with ME not THEM."

Well said :D

As someone who waited for marriage, and has a husband who waited too, I completely agree with this rant. I personally feel it was one of the best choices I ever made.

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