Conundrum Time!

[kriadydragon]

Okay, so you run across something you feel to be slightly offensive in someone's journal - someone you know and who is on your f'list. Not personally offensive, but possibly offensive to another group, or nation, or religion, or what have you.

Do you say something?

ETA: When I say offensive I don't mean that they're being deliberately offensive. That is, they're not trying to be mean or insulting. They're just kidding around, is all. Basically it's your classic foot-in-mouth situation but they don't seem to realize it.

Comments

[black-raven135.livejournal.com]

You said she is part of your flist, but I know sometimes there are some closer ties in a flist than others........
Therefore, you an address it in her journal where the comment was made, or
if not suitable, then how about a PM??
If it bothered me, I would do so.........
BTW kidding around can be just as hurtful as direct potshots.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

A PM. I completely forgot about that. I usually don't say anything since what I mostly come across are things I merely don't agree with. But there comes that rare occasion in which someone says something that I'm amazed they even said it, because they had to realize that it would come across as offensive, whether they were kidding or not.

[imbecamiel.livejournal.com]

I would tend to agree - a PM seems a good option. Private's generally better than public, for that sort of thing.

It also generally helps to give them as much opportunity to be graceful as possible - i.e. phrase it along the lines of, "I'm sure you weren't intending this to be hurtful/offensive", tell them that you're only pointing it out because you know they're not that sort of person and they wouldn't want to unknowingly hurt someone. Allow them to turn it into a positive situation for learning, by not putting them on the defensive. It's generally been effective for me, at any rate.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Excellent advice :D

[nefhiriel.livejournal.com]

"Basically it's your classic foot-in-mouth situation but they don't seem to realize it."

I suppose it would depend a lot on how close you are to the friend/how well you think it would be received. And, yeah, I agree with the above comments about PMing over leaving a comment others could see...

All in all, I think I'd really want a friend to correct me over a foot-in-mouth like that, embarrassing though it'd be to have something like that pointed out. :3

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I suppose it would depend a lot on how close you are to the friend/how well you think it would be received.

The latter is what tends to make me hesitate. I don't want to leave the person feeling cruddy, nor do I want to deal with someone telling me to lighten up and not take things so seriously. But, then, I've never really come across anything anyone in my f'list said that I felt to be offensive.

[sholio]

Oh, I struggle so hard with that. I haven't come across something like that very often, but on the occasions when it has happened, I have sometimes gone ahead and said something, and sometimes just quietly let it go. Sometimes I've had it turn out kind of badly (including one person who unfriended me), but usually the person's been really nice about it and receptive to my comment. It does seem to turn out the best if you're very polite about it and make sure that you let them know you know it was unintentional ...

Personally, like nefhiriel said, I want people to feel like they can speak up to me if I say something offensive, and I hope I would react well if someone ever did.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

I want people to feel like they can speak up to me if I say something offensive, and I hope I would react well if someone ever did.

*Nods* I've often heard stories of friendships that were shattered due to unintended offenses, only to be repaired once the offended party spoke up about them (in a polite, understanding and non-defensive way, of course).

But it is scary since you never know how it may turn out. I know someone who can be rather difficult to talk to, even be around, whenever you try to point out that they just said something that you found offensive. Rather than clear the air, it ends up leading to an even bigger argument that you're eventually forced to drop just to make it stop.

[mmneely932.livejournal.com]

Nope, leave it be. Just because you find it offensive and others might, doesn't mean it's offensive to everyone. It's his/her journal, he/she may have meant it, if you are REALLY offended, drop the friend otherwise respect his/her right to feel differently than you. I despise it when someone tries to tell me how I SHOULD feel about something or someone. If I dislike people with red hair that's my right, you can't force me to like them and the more you try to force me to the more I'll dig my heels in and stick to my feelings.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

The problem with this, though, is that if the person hadn't meant it - if it had been a slip of the tongue - and you defriend them without ever saying anything then they'll never know why. While you've just lost a friendship that could have been saved had you cleared the air.

We all have moments when we're unintentionally offensive, and if I were offensive to the point that someone was no longer able to feel comfortable around me, I would want to know in order to rectify the situation.

Plus... it's not really about telling other people how they should feel. It's more a matter of determining where we all stand. If someone said something that I felt was offensive, I spoke up about it but they stuck to their guns, then I know that this is probably someone who I may need to defriend, especially if they continue to state opinions that I find offensive. Yes, people have every right to say what they want in their journals, but people also have the right to speak up if they don't agree, or feel offended, by what is said. After all, they may be journals but they aren't exactly private journals, even when friends locked.

I normally won't say anything on a matter unless it's something I feel strongly about, myself. Case in point, there was an issue in which false things were being said about my religion. I couldn't let it go because, again, these were false labels- ridiculously false labels that I wasn't going to let others take as fact. Did I change the minds of those slurring my faith? Probably not. But at least those reading the comments will see enough differing opinions on the matter to find out things for themselves rather than take the slurs as immediate fact.

[bratfarrar]

I'd say yes, PM the person. I had someone do that to me a couple months about a story I'd written, raising an issue I'd never even considered. An eight-word disclaimer later, no feelings were hurt and everyone went home happy, but that might not have been true if she hadn't said something.

Unless you know the person is touchy about that kind of thing, in which case I'd say let sleeping dogs lie.