So I was thinking about Romance...

[kriadydragon]

Okay, actually I was thinking about the "make the characters marry and give them kids!" trope and the "illegitimate child" trope and why I don't like them, which then lead to thoughts about romance and why it is I'm not a fan of romance, and I came to realize something.

There's a number of reasons why I'm not a big fan of romance. That it often leads to sex - and the idea that it isn't romance without sex - being one of them. But I used to think it was also because of over-saturation of romance in most movies, shows and books, whether the romance is just an interest with no official "getting together" or the getting together plus sex.

What I came to realize is that it isn't so much the over saturation of romance alone, but the idea that a character can't have a happily-ever-after unless the ending also includes them getting with someone, or having someone we know they are about to get with. In other words, it's the portrayal that a character can't be happy without some kind of romance or physical relationship, and if they've never had a romantic or physical relationship then it's because their lives suck and woe is them, or they're regarded as weirdos or losers.

Which, of course, isn't true. Using myself as an example (which means major confession time, but it's nothing I'm ashamed to confess) I've never had a romantic relationship, I've never been on a date, I've never had sex and I've never even been kissed. And you know what? I'm totally okay with that. I've had some really great guy friends in my life who I could be myself around, I've had a crush that actually panned out even though it didn't lead to any actual dating (and it was a rather short friendship since he was a senior and I was a freshmen). That I've never been on a date or been kissed isn't something I lament. And while one of my dreams is to get married and have children, if it doesn't happen, then that's okay. I'll survive.

So if romance doesn't happen for my characters, that's okay, too. Don't get me wrong, some of my stories may include a bit of romance, and I do like the idea of my characters eventually having someone (depending on the character). But with some of my stories, there either isn't a romantic relationship, or I hint at the character possibly getting together "off-screen" but while also leaving it open if someone wants to read it as an on-going friendship.

And I also think it's why I get frustrated with people who see romance or sex in everything (and... not push those viewpoints onto others - that's putting it a bit too strongly - but are vocal to the point where it sometimes feels like they're trying to push those view points) and it's not simply because I'm not a fan of romance. I mean, yes, people are going to view things how they want and they can, but sometimes I feel like it does a disservice to non-romantic relationships, like... non-romantic relationships are less or not good enough, and that all that matters is romantic/sexual relationships, or that the relationship or story would be so much better if it was romantic or sexual. While I know a story doesn't need romance to do well, there are times when I'll worry about a story not doing well because there's no romance (there was a time I honestly believed a story had to have romance, and that all stories had to have some kind of romance if you wanted that story to do well).

And I'm not saying all this because I'm hoping people will write less romance or be less vocal about how they view a fictional relationship (and I say fictional because I will be honest and say that I feel real people slash/het is kind of crossing a line). And I'm definitely trying not to make anyone feel guilty, because I know people see romance in things because that's what they enjoy and not because they think romance is the only relationship that matters (although, yes, there are some crazies who think it's the only relationship two people can have). It's just something I came to realize about myself and my views on romance.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

You've put into words some of the things I've felt before but could never articulate.

It's not that I'm opposed to romance in fiction, exactly--it's just that it doesn't seem necessary to me, and most of the time it gets in the way of the more important plotlines, and so often it seems like romance just for the sake of romance--doesn't matter if the characters are compatible, if they've had next to no scenes together, etc., just so long as they kiss. And... I don't know. Platonic intimacy* just seems a lot more compelling to me than romantic intimacy, at this point. If a movie, show, or series devotes more screen time to the leading romance than it does to the leading friendship(s), then I'm probably not going to like it.

(Plus, the idea that romance equals a happy ending has never sat right with me, but it's echoed in just about every movie, television show, and book series out there--like having two characters kiss at the end of a story is shorthand for "and they lived happily ever after.")

I dunno. Just, thank you for writing this post, because the subject of romance vs. friendship in fandom is one that's near and dear to my heart.

*The fact that the term "platonic intimacy" seemed like an oxymoron to me even as I was typing it is related to this issue, I think. Why do we always have the perception that the most intimate and meaningful relationships must be romantic or sexual?

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Platonic intimacy* just seems a lot more compelling to me than romantic intimacy, at this point.

Yeah. For me, romance tends to be a given (depending on how it's handled, of course). Especially if it follows the same formula (protagonist motivated by kidnapped loved one, two people who hate each other end-up falling in love, couples falling in and out of love in order to prolong the drama, etc.) Even shows/movies/stories not focused on romance will still find a way to inject it, as if the characters having a love life must be established even though it as no real bearing on the plot. There's just... so much of it, with most of it being unrealistic or exaggerated.

So when you get a relationship that's strictly platonic it's hard not to be protective of it, and feel a little put out when you see so much pushing for the relationship to be more than platonic.

[imbecamiel.livejournal.com]

Heh, my sister and I were just talking along these lines the other day. And really, I just... basically agree with everything you've said here. XD

One of the biggest aggravations for me (aside from the "now we can have pointless sex scenes!" thing :P) is the way that romances tend to totally take over the plotlines. I don't mean in a natural way - that that kind of connection with a person can be a major life change, and (especially in the first excitement) will become a large part of your thoughts and plans.

I've often questioned why I instinctively groan when a new love interest is introduced into a TV show. It's not that I don't think a relationship would be good for the character. It's not that I hate romance on principle. But I just know, 99% of the time, that from that point on ALL the drama on the show is going to be somehow connected to this romance. The relationship is always on the verge of breaking up - but takes forever to actually get there, if it ever does. The character can no longer have any personal problems that aren't somehow mostly about their boyfriend/girlfriend. Most of the time there are Major Obstacles intended to create drama and tension but which really make the relationship just look like an incredibly stupid idea all around (and yet anyone in the show who points that out, rather than being seen as caring about those people and having valid concerns, is usually being an evol irrational killjoy). Their relationships with the rest of the main cast fade into utter insignificance. Annnd in an ensemble all the other cast members who USED to play key, fun roles take a back seat or are ignored entirely. Because EVERYTHING IS ROMANCE, regardless of what the show was originally about, and which (platonic) relationships have drawn fans to it for however-many-episodes-have-come-before.

And, heh, I had a brief mental crisis about this a while back as regards my own book. I'm pretty much where you are - I like the idea of many or most of my own characters winding up with someone eventually, but it's not particularly something I plan into the story. Then I realized that so much of the YA writing advice I was reading seemed to assume that a romance was going to be key to the plot, and I wondered if that was going to be a problem. Because mine... has not a hint of even a puppy love infatuation from any of the characters at this point. It's just not relevant to the plot, the characters, or where anything's at. The main character is definitely not winding up with someone in this, and nothing's going to suggest he might. And I wondered if that would be a problem for marketing...

But then I realized that I don't care, because I don't think a romance would make that story better, and I'm not going to cram one in for the sake of it. XP

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh so much yes to everything you said!

I often feel bad for characters introduced as love interests because it's difficult not to be immediately wary of their presence - not because of their character, but because of myriad ways the show will attempt to make the romance "interesting" or "drawn out." And, yeah, then make so much of the plot center around that romance. Then poor romantic interest ends up taking the brunt of our annoyance.

What's funny is that in my current story I do have two characters who I plan to make show a bit of a romantic interest in each other. But the more I plan it, the lighter that interest becomes (in fact I need to be careful that it doesn't end up one-sided. Especially since, at the end, the characters don't exactly get together - I leave that open-ended - but more that one of the characters finally knows what they're going to do with their life). My brain is becoming surprisingly good at steering away from romance instead of toward.

[aim2misbhave.livejournal.com]

This, so much!

The way TV writers always write stuff - like there's UST that becomes romance that becomes sex that becomes domesticity and then suddenly they're not remotely the same characters that we saw in the beginning of the show.... especially after Bones. Like she was such a great character in the beginning, and yes I see where her character development with her falling in love, and becoming more open to the idea that illogical things are sometimes just *important* to people no matter what, but she's also suddenly developed all the social skills of a completely normal person...

And yeah, so when I ship characters, it's like maybe I ship them romantically or platonically or sexually, but I don't want them to be officially "together," because that'd change things - I just wish the romance/sex/other forms of intimacy would happen without them *having* to change the characters and the way they interact, if you get my drift?

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Very true. Having the characters get together changes things, whether it's the characterization, character interaction or both. And more often than not the change isn't good, because it's like the show figures it only has two directions it can now go - make the relationship as complicated as possible or let things stagnate because they'd reached the climax they'd inadvertently been building up to and so have no idea where to go from there.

[aim2misbhave.livejournal.com]

Not to mention, I'm frustrated that in TV especially it'll be like, any sort of chemistry *must* lead to romance, which then *must* lead to sex, which then *must* lead to them getting engaged and then married of course (and moving in sometime in that time frame), and that *must* lead to them having kids in a "happy ending" or having difficulty having kids but wanting them if it's slightly less perfectly-happily-ever-after... like, that's one reason I don't want many of the characters I ship to be together in canon especially if you can tell the producers made the ship endgame from Day One (ie, Booth/Bones, Castle/Beckett), because then you know where the producers are going to go with their stories for the next seven seasons...

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I don't think I'd mind the "getting together" aspect if it was handled better than it often is in shows. As I said in the above climax, shows have a way of building the romantic aspects to the point where - as you said - the "getting together" part should be the end game. Instead, the push the show to keep going, and either frustrate their audience by making things pointlessly dramatic, or bore them because there's nothing really left to build up to.

[aim2misbhave.livejournal.com]

Well, I didn't necessarily mean "endgame" in the sense that them getting together should be the end, but in the sense that's the relationship that the writers want to persist past the end of the show.

But that's another problem, too. People write shows in such a way that two characters getting together would make a good place for it to "end" instead of it just being another part of their life... like I was worried that Fringe would go downhill after the two characters got together, but they actually handled it really well and didn't let it change things too much, and it's kind of hard to explain why/how they did it well without giving things away and also having to write 15 paragraphs on explaining the show.